• Study by uOttawa researchers finds positively moving on from a break-up is easier for both ex-partners if the initiator was autonomy-supportive during the break-up.
• Being “autonomy-supportive” - being honest, using non-controlling language and taking time to acknowledge the other person – is key.
• Whereas an initiator being honest and sharing a non-controlling reason were associated with higher positive vitality post-break-up, ongoing contact with one’s ex was associated with higher depression and anxiety.
Breaking up is hard. Are there certain behaviours or communication techniques that could result in feeling better post-break?
Researchers from the University of Ottawa’s Relationships and Couple Health (REACH) Lab delved into this topic to find when the initiator of a break-up engages in “autonomy-supportive” behaviours – which can include being honest, using non-controlling language and taking time to acknowledge the other person during disagreements – ex-partners experienced positive emotions and subjective vitality. By showing a level of respect for the former relationship, this helps provide better closure.
“There’s a lot of research about the physical characteristics of a breakup that predict distress or well-being, such as the gender, relationship length, ongoing contact with an ex-partner, or the role and use of technology,” said Erin McClung, lead author and doctoral candidate in Experimental Psychology in the Faculty of Social Sciences, “but less is known about the strategies people use to break up with their romantic partner – what they should say or do to lessen the blow.”
The study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, found that autonomy support during a break-up was associated with more positive feelings post-break-up for both ex-partners, but was not associated with lower negative feelings like depression and anxiety post-break-up. Being autonomy-supportive involves acknowledging another’s perspective, providing a clear rationale, offering choices, and providing non-controlling feedback.
“Knowing why a partner broke off the relationship may not make it hurt any less, but that “autonomy support” may allow both the initiator and the recipient to gain clarity over their relationship and move on,” said McClung.
Understanding the reasons for the breakup as it is happening is of particular importance as more ongoing contact with one’s ex was associated with increased negative feelings post-break-up.
“We know that not everyone will feel that they are in a position to be autonomy supportive when breaking-up, or it may not be feasible to apply all aspects,” said Associate Professor Serena Corsini-Munt, who supervised the research as Director of the ReaCH Lab, “but we hope that autonomy-supportive communication could help set the stage for helpful communication and feeling better post break-up.”
‘Don’t Break My Heart: A Retrospective Cross-Sectional Study Examining Autonomy Support During Romantic Relationship Dissolution’ was published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2026.2628652. Authorship: Erin McClung, Ryan Pecore, Elisa Stragapede, Paola Michelle Garcia Mairena, and Serena Corsini-Munt.
Media requests: [email protected]